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Francine Pascal Hates You

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Even Regina George thinks she’s a monster.

Going into this, I was really excited.  Remember how excited I was?  If your answer is “really really excited” then yes, you remember correctly.  Because I was REALLY REALLY excited.  When we had the idea to read this book and then talk about it, I honestly had the highest hopes.  I’d relive my youth!  I’d revisit my old friends!  I’d remember why I loved these books so much that I legitimately considered the characters friends!  What happened as I read it?  All of those hopes were deflated.  I didn’t just hate this book.  I resented it.

I should have known better.  I don’t know what I expected.  But what I read in Sweet Valley Confidential was NOT it.  On the surface, it had all of the guffaw-worthy nonsense I expected.  The twins are still each a perfect size six (don’t get me started on the fact that in 2012, a size six is no longer considered perfect.)  They still name and label drop like nobody’s business.  Lila Fowler is still a horrible person.  Boys are still the MOST IMPORTANT THING ever.  But underneath?  Everything I found lying underneath has actually kind of made me angry.  Let’s dissect it.

1) Francine Pascal hates fat people.  No, seriously, she does.  You could just call this book “Francine Pascal Hates Fat People” and you’d find enough inside to completely back it up as a legit title.  The number of references to fat=lesser in this book are astounding.  And as a woman who has hated the way she looks since, oh, the age of 12 or so, I am finally pissed off about this.   I grew up reading about these perfect size 6 girls.  Wanting to be them.  And I’m now a size 4 woman.  And I hate the way I look.  Hate it.  My relationship with food is so terrible that I honestly don’t even want to talk about it.  And reading this has absolutely made me question how much I was influenced by this sick fascination that Francine Pascal (and her ghostwriters of yore) have with skinny=ideal.  Guess what?  Liz and Jess would be plus-sized models now.  Think about that for a second.  Liz and Jess.  Plus sized.  Put it in your slam book.

2) Liz ends up with Bruce Patman.  Yep.  1Bruce1.  Except, didn’t Bruce try to rape Liz?  Yes.  He totally did.  But you have to pretend that never happened.  Because it certainly isn’t mentioned in SVC.  Here’s our re-introduction to Bruce Patman, “It still made her (Liz) smile when she thought of that impossibly arrogant and conceited boy of high school.  Actually, she could hardly remember him that way anymore.”   Oh, sweet.  Now that he’s got that pesky arrogance under control, he probably won’t try to RAPE HER anymore.  Because he did.  Try to rape her, that is.  Let me say that one more time: Bruce tried to rape Liz, and she ends up with him by the end of this book.  I guess time can’t heal ALL wounds…but ten years will totally make you forgive that douchebag in high school who tried to rape you.

3) Jessica ends up with Todd Wilkins.  Wait.  What the fuck?  Todd hates Jessica, remember?  Jessica is the WORST.  Jessica pulled the twin switch on him in the FIRST DAMN SVH book, and Liz and Todd totally almost never got together because of her antics.  I mean, of course Lizzie forgave her, but Todd?  Dude held a GRUDGE.  Right up until college, when Liz convinced Jessica to go with Todd to a party because Liz was sick and how on earth could Todd have gone to a party with all of his friends if Liz’s twin sister didn’t fill in at his side?  Makes sense.  I hire a doppelgänger to run errands with my husband pretty much whenever I feel a cold coming on.  Because a man’s arm needs a lady.  Clearly.  And then, because ALCOHOL, Todd and Jessica intercoursed.  A lot.  But then guilt.  So they stopped.  But then ZOMG!  Jessica moves in with Liz and Todd ten years later and they can’t HELP IT because REPRESSED SEXUAL TENSION AND ANIMAL ATTRACTION.  And they totally hide it from Liz really well until Jessica’s husband (she gave him the slip while shopping in France and hopped a flight back home.  Of course.  That’s how divorce works) shows up and can smell it on them, or something.  So Lizzie BOUNCED right out of there and went to New York and had confused sex with relative strangers and cried during her orgasms. Which is fine, because every girl should feel confident in embracing her own personal Summer of Slut, but Lizzie totally expected it to take the pain away and that’s not how Summer of Slut works, Lizzie.  Oh, and btdubs, Bruce knew.  He knew about Jessica and Todd way back when they started copulating in college.  But didn’t tell Liz.  And, since Liz forgave him for the almost-rape, really I guess Bruce feels pretty confident doing whatever he wants and expecting Liz to forgive him.  And she will.  Forgive him, that is.  And everyone else, too.  Because that’s the final thing you learn in this book.

4) If you’re not the hot, somewhat vapid, but adorably bitchy one, you really need to just shut up and be the doormat.  When your sister sleeps with your boyfriend of ten years, moves in with him, plans a wedding with him, and invites you to it?  You go.  As the maid of honor.  You don’t even get pissed at your parents for paying for it.  When the attempted rapist from your junior year of high school reveals the crush he’s had on you all along?  You forgive him his attempted rape and shack up with him.  YOU BRING HIM TO YOUR SISTER AND EX-FIANCE’S WEDDING, EVEN.  Congratulations.  If you’re the smart one, you may get half a book dedicated to how you are living your life and having orgasms (sorry I keep bringing up Liz’s orgasms, but they’re mentioned just as frequently in the book, so it’s relevant) and being AWESOME in New York.   But by the end of the book, you need to forgive everyone who has treated you like shit and resign yourself to spending the rest of your life with a guy you have never considered as a possible mate except that one time that you suffered major head trauma.  Because fuck it.  Dude has a nice car.

I know this isn’t really a review.  Or a good conversation starter.  Or anything really.  What it is is the only thing I could come up with to say about this book that didn’t end with me setting it on fire.  Sorry I suck at book clubs.


Filed under: "Let's Fail to Recapture Our Youth" book club, Sweet Valley Confidential, Unicorns will always be cool Tagged: Francine Pascal, Sweet Valley Confidential, Sweet Valley High

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